Press Action Predictions for 2004
Press Action
Thursday, January 01, 2004
http://www.pressaction.com/news/weblog/full_article/predictions01012004/
Vote Republican, for a Change: The Washington Post will endorse George W. Bush in the presidential election, marking the first time the newspaper has endorsed a GOP presidential candidate since backing Lincoln in the 1864 election.
Blame Nader: Nation editor Katrina vanden Heuvel will issue an edict to the magazine’s copy editors that all references in the magazine to Ralph Nader during the 2004 presidential race must include the qualifier, “extended ego trip.”
Mimic an Ousted Dictator: Proconsul Paul Bremer will institute public flogging for any Iraqi who violates the provisional government’s indefinite ban on political gatherings and demonstrations. Bremer also will order coalition forces to invade Kuwait in retaliation for that country’s alleged drilling under the border to steal recently privatized Iraqi oil reserves now owned by ChevronTexaco.
Drive Liberals Crazy: NATO Supreme Allied Commander Wes Clark will replace Dick Cheney as George W. Bush’s vice presidential running mate in order to attract the liberal warrior vote.
Allege Guilt by Association: Attorney General John Ashcroft will declare Michael Jackson an enemy combatant based on his ties to the Soldiers of Allah wing of the Nation of Islam. Jackson will be held in a detention center in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where he will be locked in a portable bathroom 23 hours a day.
Surrender All Principles: The Libertarian Party will invite George W. Bush to speak at its 2004 national convention in Atlanta based on his large following among white males and due to a positive response from party members to White House-disseminated photos of the president in the Oval Office spreading Body Shop-brand hemp cream on his hands while making final edits to his state of the union address.
Visit Old Friends: Joe Lieberman will move to Israel where he will win election to the Knesset as a member of the Likud party. He will then join Ariel Sharon’s government as Israel’s minister of U.S. Congressional Affairs.
Don’t Get Fooled Again: Daniel Snyder will dangle millions of dollars over Vince Lombardi’s grave to convince him to come back from the dead to coach the Washington Redskins. The Skins will finish the 2004 season with a 7-9 record, leading them to miss the playoffs for the twelfth time in the past 13 seasons. At season’s end, Lombardi will convince Snyder to release him from his 10-year, $100 million contract so that he can retire once again to the Lambeau Field in the sky.