President Bush Speaks Openly About the War on Terror
Press Action
Sunday, April 04, 2004
http://www.pressaction.com/news/weblog/full_article/holmquist04042004/
By Micah Holmquist
Our exalted President George W. Bush had just finished His courageous announcement of His unprecedented act of allowing National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice testify in public under oath this past Tuesday when a “reporter” or two rudely asked, “Why did You wait so long, sir? Why didn’t You do this weeks ago?”
Knowing that it is not necessary for Him to answer questions from the liberal media, our President ignored these feeble inquiries. If the White House has an answer to their insignificant questions, it is the job of America’s Baghdad Bob to give it. If not, it is America’s Baghdad Bob’s job to pretend the White House has one. If the press were smart, they would have figured this out a long time ago. But they are liberals. You don’t see a national treasure and true American hero like the great Rush Limbaugh asking pointed questions, now do you?
I am not your average reporter, however. I love America and have stood up for her and her President Bush every time I could. I know tax rates higher than what President Bush says they should be at this, or any other, point in time are unjust. I know Bush is fighting against the big government that the Democrats are determined to impose on us. And most importantly I have not forgotten that America was attacked on September the 11th by the terrorists who hate us because we are free. I know we must stand up for freedom in other countries because freedom is God’s gift to all of humanity, unless of course the dictator of a country does what America says. If that happens, God doesn’t care and neither should those of us who try to love America as much as God does.
As you can no doubt understand, the Godly people in the White House love me and, as a result, I get access that the liberal media enemies don’t. After the great speech, I went up to White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card and asked if I could have an interview with President Bush. “Why sure,” Card said, “but it will take a little time.”
"No problem,” I replied, “President Bush’s time is more valuable than mine, but for me nothing is more important that waiting for President Bush.”
Card then lead me to a beautiful room with a special television set that only gets Country Music Television and the FOX News Channel. The room also had a computer with a high-speed internet connection so I could read all the news that is changing the world for the better by filtering out and selectively discrediting that which does promote President Bush’s War on Terror.
I spent many wonderful hours there. In fact, I think it was a couple of days since I didn’t interview President Bush till Friday afternoon. But it was no problem as I was served more deliciously prepared peanut butter, pork and pretzels than I could eat. And it was all done with the down home attitude that we Americans have come to expect from President Bush and those that serve Him.
All good things must come to an end, however, and finally President Bush entered the room and I arose to greet Him. The following is a transcript of our conversation.
Micah Holmquist: Good day Mr. President! I appreciate the opportunity to bask in Your greatness.
President Bush: Thank you for allowing me a chance to talk to the American people without those reporters in the way. I will be honest and open as a result Do you mind if I call you Mr. H?
Mr. H: That would be as great as a bowl of Frosted Flakes! Wait till my mom hears that I have an official nickname from President Bush.
President Bush: [nods]
Mr. H: So what’s up with your Presidency?
President Bush: Well I’m very excited about the terrorists’ recent endorsement of Me. It wasn’t easy and it certainly took a lot of hard appeasing — favoring an amendment to outlaw gay “marriage" and getting troops out of Saudi Arabia are just two examples — but I think it was worth it.
Mr. H: That’s quite interesting if I dare say so.
President Bush: You may ... I suppose it is [interesting] and it did require a big change in strategy. But I figure the Islamofascists are at least People of The Book and you can’t say the same about the degenerates in Europe.
Mr. H: What is the goal of this brilliant strategy?
President Bush: To get the terrorists on the side of America so that we can defeat the heathens. It is a difficult and risky gambit, I must say. That pacifist [Secretary of State Colin] Powell doesn’t think we should do it, but the rest of my team is for it. I was really worried last summer when sodomy laws were outlawed as that isn’t going to help us with the terrorists ... But now I see that might not be a done deal so maybe there’s hope. [laughs]
Mr. H: Yeah.
President Bush: Yesterday’s deaths were horrible but see what a lot people don’t understand is that as much fun as it would be to say, “You kill one of ours, we kill a hundred of yours” and then go act in a Biblical manner by napalming Iraqis, attacking Fallujah so that it no longer exists and letting all those savages meet Karla Faye Tucker, that’s only going to piss off the terrorists and prevent us from achieving the real goal of bombing France, or at least continuing to put enough pressure on France so that they don’t get in our way again.
Mr. H: Excellent point!
President Bush: It is indeed important.
Mr. H: Speaking of important matters, I noticed you made it clear that you did not want to set a precedent by allowing National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice to testify. Why was that important?
President Bush: I don’t want people to think they have a right to hear from us or ask my administration questions. Same goes for those types who say, “we want the truth” about weapons of mass terror, which they like to call “weapons of mass destruction.” They shouldn’t have it. They weren’t elected President. I was! They want to know that stuff, they can try to get elected.
Mr. H: As always Mr. President, You are a pleasure to talk to. Is there anything you would like
to add?
President Bush: You know, the American people should ignore lies about how the liberation of Iraq worsened the terror threat, an assertion that forgets that the terrorists, who may soon be our friends, only hate freedom in America. They love it elsewhere.
Mr. H: Thank you.
President Bush: Thank you and May God Bless America.
Micah Holmquist, editor of Irregular Thoughts and Links, is a Cadillac, Mich.-based writer.