Press Action ::: ‘September 11 Is Back and Better Than Ever’

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

‘September 11 Is Back and Better Than Ever’

By Micah Holmquist

The future of September 11 looks bright, according to quotable people interviewed by Press Action.

September 11, 2004 was marked by college football, professional baseball (both major and minor league), people mowing their lawns, reruns on VH1 and a “Family Fun Fest” in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

This is in stark contrast to the previous two September 11ths. People solemnly remembered September 11, 2001 in 2002. Last year America was shocked by the shocking death of actor John Ritter.

“John [Ritter] made us laugh,” said an employee of Entertainment Tonight who asked to remain anonymous. “His death made America, and some parts of Canada, wonder if we would ever even laugh again. Smile? Sure. Chuckle? Possibly. Laugh? Nobody could be optimistic about the answer to that question.”

An Entertainment Tonight intern chimed in, “I still had doubts till this year’s September 11.”

Rudolph Giuliani is excited about the date. “September 11 is back and better than ever,” America’s Mayor told Press Action. “I had no doubt this would happen because of President Bush’s magnificent leadership, and because of how the police treated protesters at the Republican National
Convention.”

Regent University Professor of Psychology Robert Patrick has been studying America’s relationship with September 11 for the last two years and concludes in his soon to be published book The Future of September 11 that the date has turned the corner. “Three years the average man on the pavement leading up to Wal -Mart had a negative opinion of September 11. That sentiment remains strong, but nowhere near as strong as it once was.”

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has a plan to turn things around for good. “I don’t want Americans to forget that they are victims, but I also want them to remember a time, back in 1973, when America helped punish our enemies in Chile on September 11 and also other great actions like Operation Condor. We must think of these heroic victories when we debate how to best attack and invade other countries.”

To this end, Kissinger plans to soon officially announce the formation of the Better September 11ths Foundation. The group will raise money to educate Americans about the true history of September 11. “Our ultimate aim, however,” Kissinger said, “is to use this a springboard for reminding people in other countries about September 11.”

“Think of how great it would be,” Better September 11ths Foundation staffer Richard Ford told Press Action via email, “if we had a ceremonial coup and ‘Knock the crap out of’ ‘some small crappy little country’ (apologies to Jonah Goldberg and Michael Ledeen) every September 11. I think the American people would love it, especially if we can convince retailers to promote this as a big time holiday with sales on burger buns and meats, chips and soft drinks.”

Micah Holmquist, editor of Irregular Thoughts and Links, is a Cadillac, Mich.-based writer.

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