Press Action ::: Winning the Love of Warbloggers in 11 Easy Steps

Friday, March 05, 2004

Winning the Love of Warbloggers in 11 Easy Steps

By Micah Holmquist

I recently noticed that the bags at a grocery store I frequent are now marked with an American flag and the words, “KEEP AMERICA STRONG.” What a great message -those people who bought food stuffs while wearing buttons that read, “MAKE AMERICA WEAK,” were really starting to get on my nerves -and few have done as much to live up to the request of my grocer as the men and women who responded to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks by using their web logs to support the fight against the terrorists.

The words and links of individuals such as Glenn Reynolds and Andrew Sullivan made the term “warblog“ into something real, kept our spirits up and told the nation that we will emerge victorious against the terrorists.

These people, warbloggers, can shower those they like with cyber-affection. If you want that love, just follow these 11 steps.

1) Pick a country to blog from, and where you have lived your entire life.

This is your most important step for reasons that will soon become clear. Just about any country, sans the United States, will do, but some good choices are Cuba, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Syria and Venezuela. I recommend staying away from Iran as that market is saturated. Bolivia, Brazil, China, Colombia, France and Pakistan are good choices if you are thinking long term.

2) Start blogging in English.

Perhaps this is self-explanatory. Perhaps not. Either way, it is an absolutely essential part of getting as much Warblogger Love as you can. Warbloggers, like most bloggers, appreciate emails but they care far more deeply about someone they can link to. So sign up at blogger.com. Picking the correct language, English, is of great importance because it is the international language of warblogging.

3) Advocate that the United States bomb and invade your country.

America has to do this for the sake of democracy, freedom, human rights, defeating the terrorists and perhaps some other reason(s). Explain how toppling the communist, fascist and/or Islamofascist government of your country will lead to a dramatic turn for the better in the fight against the terrorists. Be sure to say that you have talked to everyone in the country and they have all said they don’t mind dying or being maimed in order to be liberated. Warbloggers love to know that freedom is appreciated.

4) If anything bad happens in your country before the invasion, point to it as evidence of a prima facie case for invasion, unless it was directly caused by the United States.

Photos that tug at the heartstrings are a nice touch. Citing reports on human rights in your country from organizations like Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch is a must. Do not under any circumstances mention reports from the same organizations that are critical of the United States.

5) While you advocate that it is the moral duty of and strategically beneficial for the United States to invade your country as soon as possible, you must ignore any evidence that the United States may have supported the current government of your country in the past.

Don’t blame the United States for anything. They are the good guys and that means they can do no wrong. But if they did do wrong, they had a good reason or something.

6) Relentlessly bash Noam Chomsky, France, The New York Times, the United Nations and whomever or whatever else warbloggers do not like.

Regularly peruse their blogs to find out what their latest and greatest insults are and make sure to use them.

7) Once critical consensus has been reached about the need to invade your country amongst warbloggers, be sure to refer to anyone who proposes an agenda other than invasion or something that might delay the invasion beyond the time when the United States president wants to invade as an enemy of freedom and an advocate of appeasement.

The timing is crucial. If the majority of warbloggers have not come to believe that it is necessary for the United States to invade your country, you must not argue that failure to support such an invasion amounts to appeasement. Doing so means criticizing warbloggers who undoubtedly love freedom enough to support the fight against the terrorists. You don’t want to do that, nor do you want to say that if the United States really cared about freedom for your country then it would pick up the pace of liberating your country.

8) Post regularly during the invasion.

Come up with all the good news you can find. Never show any hesitation and if you do feel the need to mention casualties, don’t dwell on them. Nobody likes to read a complainer!

9) Complain regularly about how those around you don’t appreciate the United States enough and how the media is not reporting what the military leaders of the United States say is happening.

Don’t mention any evidence that the invasion and occupation of your country has harmed the people of your country in any way or even that the United States could be doing more to help the people being liberated.

10) Don’t acknowledge the validity of any opposition to the invasion of your country by people anywhere in the world.

Complaints about America’s exercise of power are categorically wrong, unless the complaint is that the United St tes is not attacking and invading enough countries.

11) Point to any sign of happiness or newfound freedom in your country as proof that the invasion was justified.

Warbloggers love to hear how the people of some town are enjoying freedom and can now hold some traditional festival or religious celebration. It doesn’t matter if they have heard of the practice before or not. What matters is that it gives them another reason to justify the war.

Follow each of these 11 steps and you will find yourself being showered with all sorts of affection from warbloggers. That’s my guarantee.

Micah Holmquist, editor of Irregular Thoughts and Links, is a Cadillac, Mich.-based writer.

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