Press Action ::: The News from Wobegotten, N.D.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

The News from Wobegotten, N.D.

By Scott Beckman

My ancestors split with the Wobegoners way back after a bitter doctrinal dispute over the meaning of the word “plainspoken.” They just picked up and kept riding until the wagon broke down near the Fort Totten Indian Reservation. They made up a name remembering the past, looking to forward the future, Woebegotten, and started farming. For generations, locals thought of Fort Totten/Wobegotten as a double-rich helping of the American Dream, the “I passed by there once on my way to Montana” capital of northern North Dakota. But, Devils Lake finally won claim to the title about a hundred years ago.

We still see things differently than the denizens of Planet Wobegon. Take the four-eyed one who’s suddenly everywhere blaming Republicans for everything from voter apathy to unwashed dishes. Classic case of “it takes a village idiot to ruin a democracy.” “Remember when Democrats were kings?” he sings. Yes, I remember.

It was inspiring to watch Martin Luther King drag them to the altar of justice. Then they left us the Vietnam War as an heirloom to remind us to think twice before doing that again. I vividly recount the days of gas lines and misery indexes and national malaise. But, a Democrat came to the rescue by sending jobs overseas and slashing social programs with a winning smile. Blessed be they from Jefferson to Roosevelt to Kennedy to Clinton who honored family values with a stiff salute of their wandering willies. Dems, you gotta love ’em. Really, get trapped in a room alone with one and you gotta love ’em.

But, hey, forgive and please, please forget, right? I’d like to. But it’s impossible when the Laureate of the Lakes writes, “Rich ironies abound! …Pocket lining on a massive scale… Hypocrisies shine like cat turds in the moonlight!” like he’s NOT describing the Democratic Party! Like U.S. Senator Russ Feingold didn’t say just one month ago, “I’m sorry to say it, but the big story at the Democratic Convention is really influence buying and peddling,” and whose attack on “our brave new corporate democracy” won him a standing ovation. We may be poor, but at least our fourth graders can read.

Speaking of short memories. Mr. Minisoda stopped bouncing on his whoopee cushion long enough to notice “…an ominous silence…” but forgot that Michael Moore filmed Democrats failing to make a PEEP in protest of a stolen election, mocked half a zillion Democrats who voted for the Patriot Act without reading it! I guess they were just too danged excited about chowing down a multi-national size helping of corporate largesse while brown-nosing consultants and uninspiring barfmeisters declared “peace” off-message and muzzled the nine out of 10 Democratic Convention delegates who disagreed! No one around to stop them because dissent was penned up in a barbwire cage underneath the Boston Turnpike! When Medea Benjamin, a lone GREEN American, showed up with the guts to PEEP, she was hauled off the Convention floor like a sack of sugar beets. What’s that old saying about force a lobotomy on me or stand at the door and knock some sense into your own thick head with that log in your eye?

Oh, by golly, we’re just getting started. The future is so full of non-angry people and hope that darn near anything is possible if we all click our heels three times and the fucking balloons drop on time. Yes, the difference between the Republicans and Democrats on issues the American people rate as priorities number four, bottom of the list, and endteenth are just too staggering to ignore. As John Kerry reports for duty exactly one inch to the left of President Bush, one can only stand back in awe and marvel at the genius of such world-class lesser evilism at work. It is, in fact, our “sacred duty.”

Terrorism. Bad. Illegal war stoking terrorism. Good.

Strong Defense. Stronger. Peace. Huh?

Preemptive strikes. No prob. International court. No way.

Israel. Lobby. Palestinians. Who?

Deficit. Priority. $250 billion deficit. Check.

Repeal wealthy tax cut. To previous historic lows. See Deficit.

Energy Dependence. Against. Plan. Laughable, but insult the Saudi royal family anyway (mega-mini-bio-feedback bounce.)

Subsidies for companies leaving. Wrong. Workers use tax dollars to bribe employers for work. Right.

Slavery. No. Slave level minimum wage. Yes.

Guns, media conglomerates. Show me the money. Public health and safety. Snake eyes.

Pro-choice, gay rights. Fine. Abortions, gays. Yuck.

It is a disgrace to say America was not built by angry people. The freedoms we enjoy today were all won by people angry enough to fight. People angry at King George. Slavery. Corporate abuse. People angry about being denied the right to vote. Fascism. McCarthyism. People angry about schools. Discrimination. Being used as cannon fodder. People angry about leaving their children’s bank account empty. People angry about lying cheating stealing leaders. People angry as hell who didn’t want to take it any more.

No, Garrison, the tide will not turn just because you complain about the stink, grab a fat paycheck, and leave the heavy lifting to others. But, I don’t expect you to understand that. After all, you’re a Democrat, just a shy small town boy, an exceptional exception to the case against inbreeding. We would all be much poorer without your good humor. You’re one the great storytellers in American history and you spun us another beauty. It would be wrong to steal your book, whip out my hoser, and take aim at the homegrown ass on the cover.

*The author dedicates this rebuttal to the children left limbless by the so-called American-led liberation of Iraq.

Scott Beckman, srbeckman@yahoo.com, is Development Director for the Northern Pueblos Housing Authority in Santa Fe, N.M.

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